by Rabbi Ron Stern
Here’s what you’ve probably heard again and again: gossip is evil. It’s said that three people are damaged when tales are told about another: the speaker, the listener, the subject of the gossip. That’s the lesson that our tradition has emphasized for hundreds of years. In fact, the rabbis maintain that “truthful talebearing” is no better than the purposeful spreading of lies about another. From my earliest days in religious school I remember the parable of the feather pillow that was torn open; its feathers released to the winds. It was a graphic demonstration of the way that words, once out of our mouths, can never be reclaimed.
And yet, here’s what we know, if we were to take an exact accounting of the content of the conversations that we all have on any given day, about two-thirds of the time that we actually speak (or text, or post, or comment on a post) is about another person. At least that’s the gist of a recent survey of the subject that I read. See it here. The conclusion of the best research by social scientists is not only that we’ve been gossips ever since we possessed language but that it’s actually good for us! Contrary to Jewish wisdom, some gossip actually helps the speaker, the listener and yes, the subjects themselves! It strengthens the bond between the speakers, provides a template against which they might judge their own behavior, and even has the potential to reform the subject of that gossip when they learn that their misbehavior is being judged by others.
So if conversation about others is so essential, are we indeed the sinners that Jewish tradition would make us out to be? The question is pertinent as we begin our preparation for the High Holy Days and contemplate our character. I’m not suggesting that we open the gossip flood gates and share all we know about everyone we know; but I am suggesting that it would behoove us all to be reflective in those conversations. What does our choice of conversation topics disclose about us? As we lean in over our lattes and gleefully share our talebearing tidbits, we need to look into our mirror a bit more deeply. In my rush to judgement have I overlooked my own dirty laundry? Our propensity for gossip needn’t engender guilt but there’s no doubt that we could refine our character just a tad, learning about ourselves from our all-too-careful scrutiny of the misbehavior of others.